After having my fair share of blocked toilets in my travels I've gained a few skills in the efficiency of paper usage, no doubt from the guilts of having to call room service twice to change rooms in less than 2 nights.
Preparation is as good as gold. You may increase the risk of blockage by padding the water with anti-splash paper, this is up to the user's confidence but I suggest compliance here. It's important, afterall, to get to know your toilets flush capacity; its blockage threshold. It should be intuitive to you like it is apart of your own flesh; if you feel the line is to be breeched give it the courtesy of a safety flush. Don't be the fool who braves the mountain without respect for the nature; she will fuck you to hell. You don't want that aftermath.
If you are like me and you don't have the greatest diet [beer draft lines are so full of shit, it makes your shit, shitty] you will inevitably not have the cleanest transition from ring piece to the watery safe zone. Do not hurry here: it is an elementary mistake to rush and not taken the time to reduce arse skin surface area, making sure you have a 50-50 weight split on left cheek & right cheek in contact with the seat. If you sit even 48-52, you will run the risk of the turd transition in contact with unnecessary flesh.
The initial wipe: view this as your ice breaker, the deal breaker, the hardest wipe. It sets the tone and the rest of the session, getting it right will could net you considerable amounts, yet getting it wrong exponentially increases the severity of the task.
Know your stool: you should gather from it's journey how many men it left behind, fearing their watery grave. The stubborn few, the bastards that they are, if simply automatically removed will run the risk of smearing much like a Brazilian scat porno. You aren't removing anything here; just painting a brown picture on a fleshy canvas.
I highly recommend the 3 prong fold & pinch method for this.
Taking 3 paper length, fold in half so it has length of 1.5 paper. You need the extra length because you employ, with surgical precision, a pinch technique and the extra length act quite like mud guards.
Be careful however: a large pinch radius incorporates arse hairs which will hinder progress, cause discomfort and your over confidence will not net you any different from the correct procedure.
A successful job will net you most waste removal here; good luck.
Your next 2-3 rounds of wiping are the mid game:
For such I prefer to use the 3 double fold technique:
With 1 fluid motion of 1 hand holding the loo roll (I do NOT recommend ever using a stationary toilet roll holder), and the other hand ripping a 3 paper length off and sliding this across your right leg (for righties), once reaching the edge of your leg you fold in half (much like your initial wipe) bring about your behind (still 1 hand) and begin claw method.
Imagine you bring your 4 fingers together slightly raising the tips to form a very wide shallow cup; this should be the most efficient posture for wiping as you reduce width of spread & concentrate all pressure around ground zero.
Once complete of 1 cycle, FOLD the same paper in half and repeat. Yes, reusing same said paper. With precision wiping, you are not going to be spreading any fecal matter to the edge of the paper in use: maintaining fecal free hand levels.
Dispose & repeat for 1 or 2 rounds, depending on initial severity.
By now: you are entering the late game; your surface area of brown-matter is considerably reduced. You may begin using a 2 sheet & fold technique, similar to above with 1 wipe & fold.
Watch out: there is a deadly being known as the infinite shit. No matter how much you wipe; it refuses to be cleansed. Know it's feeling and know how to recognise it. Once learned of its existence you must either deal with it, or choose to cut your losses and move on with your day. Dealing with it is preferable, but it will reset you back several steps: as you must retry to shit again as it is clear to be tiny piece left hidden behind your gates of goatse. It either takes considerable gut pressure to remove, whilst most people give up after 100 wipes and call it quits.
As you wish to exit your end game; I tend to employ 1 sheet mass reuse technique. You've removed 98% of visible faeces and you may as well quickly wipe anywhere from 1-10 times in as many seconds with whatever you wish to end the task with. I tend to finish on solo sheets, you take care to not over pressure your fingers for fear of breakages. Don't use crappy paper that costs 20pence for the 4 rolls; this is your privilege for living in the modern world. Make it count; it's something we all take for granted because the alternatives.. you can use your imagination.
All in all; you should be able to clear up some of your worst offending stools with minimal sheet usage. The toilet will reward you with a clean flush whilst possibly increasing the chances of leaving no traces behind as it thanks you for not choking it. Be nice to your toilets and you'll be able to travel the world, safe in the knowledge that you will never need to call up continual room replacements, or even worse, having to battle the brown waterfall as it dares to cascade above it's walled limits.
meanwhile, on another board...
Originally Posted by Nazgul Tirith su Berlusconi
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