Okay, so I have some questions (other than "how dare they?").
1.) So, Starbuck's an angel. Like an angel-angel? Okaaaaay. So, let's just look at this for a second. The writers are saying that we live in a universe where God(s?) rules all. And this God(s) is/are a really hands on God(s)? Like REALLY hands on. As in, angels walking amongst us.
So, if that's the case...it seems like a pretty major deus ex machina. Like not seen in storytelling since "Antigone."
Wow-- so 3/4 of the way through a series, the writers suddenly introduce a little story point like angels? As in physical, interactive, getting drunk, playing piano and making out with Lee and shooting cylons type of angels?
Wow...That. Takes. Balls.
2.) So, magic-6-in-Baltar's-head was an angel all along, too? Of course, this doesn't work. At all. Because they drastically retrofitted this character in Season 4. In fact, she disappeared for almost a complete season before bringing her back in a completely different way. The second version was all about pushing Baltar to do good, etc.
The first version was fucking, sucking and manipulating him to kill the humans. It was clearly a Cylon inspired vision because everything she motivated him to do led to the death and destruction of the humans and helped the Cylons. But whatever. I guess because she talked about "God's plan," I'm supposed to assume they knew all along that she was an angel all along.
Yeah, sure. And Lucas knew that Luke and Leia were brother and sister all along, too. That's why he had them make out in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.
Because that's what you would do if you knew those two characters were related.
Keep trying to convince me of that, George.
3.) So, after 8 episodes of nearly no action (with one DIE HARD episode as the one exception), we get a full hour of non-stop action. Fine.
Except I have no idea what their mission is (other than "find the girl"). Okay. So, we're watching a space version of CHINATOWN. But, unlike that movie, I don't understand ANYONE'S motivation. I don't even know how they found Cylon world. What meaning does Hera have to the humanity? I mean, I get why she's important to the Cylons. They get to figure out how to breed because of her. Otherwise they die out. So, if the human mission was "kill the girl" I get it. That makes sense. It would be a little ugly, but it would be dramatic. It would also put Athena and Heilo at odds with Adama and Roslin.
But no. They didn't go there. Instead, they just tell us that she's important. We have no idea why. But we're supposed to take their word for it.
So, because I don't understand the mission and because literally no one of importance died on the mission (other than Boomer, who gets shot by Athena), I couldn't care less about all that "action."
4.) More about Hera. Hate to harp on it, except she's the whole point of Season 4. Literally. So, explain: we're told that Hera is the most important little creature in the universe. She is the key to human life continuing.
Why?
We don't know.
But without her, humanity is doomed.
Except we get to our Earth and wow! There are humans.
Yes. Humans. Like human-humans.
So, throughout this entire series, there was never any chance of the humans dying out. Because they are magically on our own world. And the entire four season struggle for human existence meant nothing. The Cylons could have killed every living human and worn Adama like a skin tuxedo and the humans would STILL have existed.
Seriously. These writers are so stupid they don't realize they've completely invalidated their entire series with their stupid, retro-con storytelling.
But whatever. Here's another completely insane element:
Flash forward 150,000 years (which is even further than the flashforward at the end of A.I.-- one of the most absurd endings of all time. Well done, BSG!). We learn from angel Baltar/angel 6 who that little Hera's bones have been found in an excavation in Africa. Along with her human father and Cylon mother.
A little girl.
A LITTLE GIRL???
Okaaaaay...so that means Hera dies. Like, really young. Like, as a child. Like, really soon after we last see her.
So, basically, could someone explain WHAT THE FUCK WAS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT HERA IF SHE DIED MONTHS AFTER REACHING NEW EARTH!!!
Seriously, was God's plan for Hera to appear on the cover of National Geographic? Was that it? And doesn't Hera invalidate evolution? I mean, she represents a human being that is out of time by at least 145,000 years. I mean, seriously-- humans haven't even developed LANGUAGE. We're pretty far back in the human chain of existence. And now scientists are looking at a modern homo sapian girl.
Wow.
Thank you God for totally fucking the theory of evolution.
Maybe that WAS God's plan. Maybe that's the ultimate message. God exists. Evolution is bullshit.
But I kinda doubt it.
This was a disaster of a season. A total trainwreck of an ending with no comprehension of the material. I mean, there's shit that just was a complete "fuck you" to logic and storytelling. The final five suddenly have total understanding how to be super-cylons. Fine. I'll accept that they suddenly know that when they put their hands in Anders soup that they'll all magically link to one another and know everything that ever happened to each other. Okay. But THAT'S what makes Chief kill Indian girl and then the deal's suddenly off between humans and Cylons and then everyone shoots each other and Dean Stockwell shoots himself in the head? Really? What?
No, seriously, WHAT?
And remember Indian girl killing Callie because she though the baby was a cylon baby? Except it wasn't? It was Hot Dog's? Remember how all of that was built up to be important? And then it wasn't? Until it was? Because they realized they painted themselves into a corner with too many cylon babies. So they invalidated one and miscarried another?
Because they were winging it. And have since the end of Season 2.
And how about Starbuck's throw away line where she puts numbers to the ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER notes? And it turns out that's where Earth is? Of course, when she suggested the number thing in a previous episode, I said outloud to myself, "Why the fuck would you even think to do that?" But whatever. Lame.
And let me get this morality straight-- Baltar gets to kill off the 12 colonies and then lie, cheat and add to the death toll at every step of the way. But then, because he talks about God in the final scene and brokers a treaty with the cylons (that lasts for all of 3 minutes before Chief kills Indian girl and screws everything up), he and Caprica are now allowed to live in peace for the rest of their lives?
Wow. God sucks. I mean, seriously, He's a total asshole.
And if "God being an asshole" was the point, maybe they shouldn't have played the final Batlar/Caprica-going-off-to-th eir-new-farm moment as romantic and sweet. Because it was the equivalent of watching Hitler and Eva Braun retire to Napa Valley at the end of WWII.
Christ, these guys are fucking idiots.
I could go on and on, but I've had enough. I have actual work to do. And I hate them. I hate them more than I can say. They had a spectacular first season. An extremely strong second season. A wonky season 3.0. A terrible 3.5. And then one disaster after another, leading up to an absolutely insulting and idiotic finale.
My jaw was hanging open in shock.
I want to punch them all in the dick.